Who Am I?

 Over the course of my short life, I have started approximately six different blogs. It is self indulgent of me to think and believe that world actually cares about my opinion (arguably self deprecating to believe that the world does not care) however I have fancied myself a Carrie Bradshaw meets Glennon Doyle Melton for quite some time and now, I don't care if anyone reads this. I don't care if it sucks completely. I don't care if the only people who read this hate everything I think and say. So right now, it's not about me being self indulgent, but about me holding myself accountable for things I want to do. Like write. So, here we are. 

However if there are any souls and spirts out there that care to pursue this page, I wanted to start with a little get to me. Intimacy is foundational to relationship and the foundation of intimacy is connections. So connect we shall. 

At the time of writing this I am a 30 years old female (she/hers pronouns). I told you, we're starting with basics. I am ridiculously introverted and prefer a night of quiet seclusion and book to any kind of human interaction. Humans are fascinating but they scare the living crap out of me. All of this is entirely ironic because my chosen career is a psychotherapist. That's right. The person terrified of people chose a career path where all I do all day long is deal with the enemy- other people. In some ways it makes sense. I spend time learning about said enemy. What makes them tick, what makes them who they are, why the do what they do. In doing so, theoretically, dealing with other people becomes less intimidating and scary because I have knowledge, And quite honestly, we are not all as special as we like to think. 

I am recently married. I married my wonderful and amazing husband in July. We had a wedding planned for March 28, 2020 and eleven days before the world shut down because of COVID-19. I am fairly aware of my privilege and I know canceling a wedding because of a pandemic is far from the worst thing that could happen to a person in a pandemic but it still completely sucked. Anyway, over time Justin has become my best friend and my teammate. We really do life together and it's so cool. Most days I can't believe I get to spend forever with him. And some days I want to smack him. But that's marriage. 

I am the oldest of three sisters. We have had challenging relationships at time and far more challenging family dynamics. As a therapist I have learned that pretty much every family is dysfunctional in its own unique way and mine has been no exception. We are a family of secret keeping, deceit, and feelings and emotion hiding but we're family. Recently I've come to watch my sisters also recognize the family dysfunction and do their own thing to learn to cope with it and do better which is super cool to watch. 

So far, I have done what most women do when describing themselves and told you all about the roles that I play in my life. Therapist, wife, sister, daughter. I know logically and somewhat emotionally that all of those roles do not make up my entire being. I am more than what I do. I am also a a spiritual person. In vogue with most of my generation I don't end up in church on Sunday, but I do have a hodgepodge mix of beliefs from different parts of different religions and cultures that makes up my own personal belief system. And it's always changing. I am a relentless student of the school of hard knox. Meaning every lesson that i have ever needed to learn I've learned the hardest way possible. I am stubborn but also persistent. I am giving of my time and my energy but I am learning that my boundaries are even more important than what I am able to give away. I am participating in the never ending quest that is to get to know oneself and learn who I am. 

That's the sum of it. None of those things I believe make me entirely qualified to give unsolicited advice over the internet. But here we are. And like I mentioned earlier, I'm not doing this for the proverbial you, but for me.  In my 30 years I have had many experiences that I have shaped the character of my being and the fundamental understanding of who I am. Now I did not live in a war torn country, experience natural disaster, or was I living in a bunker with six other woman entrapped by some evil psychopath. All of those are very bad very real things that happen to very real and very good people. But we're not here to compare experiences and traumas. I'm not minimizing what I went through or catastrophizing it either. I'm just trying to understand it.  I've read enough self help books to know that our experiences do not define who we are, they merely help shape us into the humans we are supposed to become. In order for that to happen though, I believe we need to understand our experiences. We need to be able to learn from them. That's how we learn truly Who We Are. So, this is me working on understanding that, and working on learning to to love what I find.